jeez you're an idiot... hahaha

and I am nevertheless sucker enough to respond...

where'd you get these mindless clichés from...?

most people seem to have these misconceptions deeply installed somehow...

I've been trying to do some pixel portraits but it's hard to get motivated and I was doing web work...

now I'm "free" I should get back into it but the motivation is lacking...

it would certainly be easier to do some expressionist funk right now...

I need to save up and make a self financed expo just for the hell of it...

but without love it's so pointless...

you know the local artists always hate you and are into their local intrigue power base shit...

they only go along to anything for the free booze...

art is such a sad scene for an outsider...

you need a love interest and friends or else it is totally thankless...

and also I guess with my health and morale being low I am more aware than ever not only of external antipathy but also my own inadequacies...

plus I'm an art snob...

I try to be open about all of it because after this village I realise how difficult any kind of creativity is for most people...

but at the same time a lot of artists really are embarassingly crappy and dum which resonates badly for me...

i want to get beyond that into international megabucks events but those are supposed to be like corporate evil...

I did like walking round the left bank galleries in paris but I think a second visit would of seemed jaded already...

but a quick trot by the rich decorativeness was refreshing after the village... hahaha

I have a few cute ideas but it really is the isolation thing that is the killer...

when I was younger arrogance made idiocy and injustice something of a challenge...

now I'm old and sick...

well it's just embarassing isn't it... hahaha

you see I'm whining here to a troll...

I'm in pain and in the shit but...

you should notice that there isn't any creative hook up happening...

I've seen some people are doing their thing probably...

discos and dancing for BM etc...

some creative writing and some pix...

maybe some artwork as a hobby...

I've tried to nudge into it...

but really...

I'm an old failed professional artist and tribe hasn't opened any channels yet...

I should be in some kind of a position to teach or organise or something but my total marginalisation means I'm whining and less empowered than most halfbaked dilettante teens etc... hahaha

but I do actually have some contacts and if I could find collaberators or assistants I could give a shot at doing an expo...

but it ain't happened...

guess I need to quit the internet and try and chase up italy...

somebody was going to make calls on my behalf in paris but like the LA thing I let it slide...

I should actually focus on stuff for my client too because she's paid me...